Finding the Courage to Have an Adoption Reunion
©Heather Carlini 2009, Carlini Institute
Embarking on an adoption reunion takes courage to move from a predictable “safe” reality, to a new reality that, in the beginning, is unpredictable. You always want to choose what is best for you, but if you can’t find the courage to look beyond your perceived limitations, you can’t open yourself to the possibility of knowing who you are on the deepest levels.
The limitations of knowing the truth of their “true identity” in adoptees is expressed through their beliefs, their actions, their fears of the unknown, their unconscious memories, the emotional DNA imprints and retained messages from being in “utero” before birth. These limitations are confirmed in the ways they sabotage themselves, choosing people and situation that will give them the outcome that keeps reverting back to their possible beliefs that those who love them will leave them. This is the abandonment theme that plays out on many levels for adoptees. They expect rejection, so their will reject others before they can be rejected if they get too close.
When the adoptee plays out the abandonment theme in his life, the emotional trade-off goes along these lines: By clinging to those people they fear they may lose, or by not getting too close to them, they avoid the deeper dread and despair of being all alone.
The path to discovery of their roots is a form of Soul Journey that adoptees embark on to find elements of themselves that are missing, and need to be integrated in order for them to feel “whole.’ It takes courage to separate from the beliefs of the adoptive family who may not hold the same beliefs about adoption reunions. For some adoptees, it is imperative that they set out on this journey of discovery and truth. It is as if their Soul is calling them to complete the circle. Everything in life is circular and not linear as we once believed. When we think of adoption as being a linear process, then adoption appears as a disconnection from one’s roots that can never be reconnected. On the other hand, in a circular process, many adoptees feel the need to bring their adoption full circle and know the ultimate “truth” of their existence. There comes a time, when their Soul pulls them on a journey in search of this “inner truth.”
Sometimes, adoptees have to be willing to stand alone with their convictions and ignore the well-meaning advice of those who want to protect them from potential failure by reminding them of the futility of their dreams.
The desire for fulfillment has to be greater than the adoptee’s fear of the unknown. It is a time to face every limiting belief and fear that they have, and move forward regardless of their fears. Each new step leads them forward into an exciting unknown future whose unlimited potential expands as they accept new opportunities to believe in themselves. As adoptees set out to find the “truth” of who they really are, they need to release all judgments and expectations of the outcome. I believe it is good for adoptees to use whatever information they find and allow it to be a catalyst to their growth.
If the adoptee finds a natural mother who is fearful of the reunion, he must realize that she too has fears of opening up her feelings, and there is a healing process she also needs to go through in reunion. Fantasy has just turned into reality for her, and she needs time to integrate it into her knowledge base. Most natural mothers weren’t told anything about where there child went or anything about the adoptive family.
Adoptees may convince themselves that nothing good could come out of doing a search; consequently, the fear of disappointment keeps them locked into illusion. They may feel judgemental of the past and their natural mother’s actions, without realizing that they may be judging a situation with the wrong information. The purpose of the soul journey is to find out the true facts and incorporate them into their “truth” data base. When they have the added knowledge about their beginnings they feel vindicated. The story may be much better than they ever expected, and they may find complete acceptance — or they may find the story is more difficult — but at least they will know the truth about who they really are.
Adoption doesn’t erase the cellular memories that are attached to the adoptee’s biological DNA. There are patterns of thoughts, feelings, behaviour and traits that come down the ancestral line. This is all part of their Emotional DNA which they didn’t know about in the past. Often they have fears and phobias that are passed down in the family DNA. On the other hand, there are many wonderful talents and gifts that are passed down in family lines. For instance, if they have artistic talents, they may find that there is a long line of artists or musicians in their DNA. These talents are passed down in the genetic line.
In adoption, there is a name change for the adoptee when they are adopted, but nothing can erase the attributes of the DNA that are passed down many generations that makes the adoptee who he really is on an inner level.
Note from Heather Carlini:
I have worked in adoption reunions for some twenty-five years now and I have seen many scenarios. The problem is, there is no post-adoption training in university for therapists, so through my years of research with adoptees and natural mothers, it became my goal to set up a course to teach specialized training in Adoption Reunion Coaching.
The Carlini Institute has been in existence since 2000 and has trained counsellors in Canada, the US, Ireland, UK, and NZ.
